Before Lindsey told me her trick, I was probably 75% happy for other people and 25% jealous. Secondly, if you know your good friends are not especially happy with their own lives, it may be wiser not to flaunt your success so much. But I have no idea how to cope with these sort of comments. When youre anxious, the idea of having goals and not achieving them is scary. I dont think Id be able to do that.". It is great that you are successful and have been meeting your goals. Furthermore, it implies that people expect performative behavior from you rather than acknowledging and respecting the truth of your emotions. She reflected on the days Id been stressed about hunting down sources and shed patiently listened to me. A perfect example of this is body neutrality, which is (in my opinion), far healthier than the body positivity movement. Once you acknowledge, label, and validate your emotions, let them guide you to explore the motivations and fears driving them. Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you if you struggle to feel happy for others. The simplest reason as to why you cant be happy for others is that something is preventing you from being able to feel that kind of emotion. The best way to get over feeling sad about someone elses success is to bring your attention back to your own life. Take back control using Shine's award-winning self-care program. Ignoring someones issues to preserve a friendship is no more loving than callously judging them. He worked at a newspaper where his boss a writer named Sherwood Anderson helped him get his first novel published. Maybe you got into a great college that your parents refused to pay for, so you ended up having to work instead. Speak to yourself kindly. when concerning things that are supposed to be mutually uplifting! Emotions are much the same. And if they do get confronted about them, they can claim theyre being triggered and go hide from the situation, while the one doing the confrontation will be condemned for being aggressive and bringing the vibe down. If someone could improve his life, he spent as much time around them as possible. Look at other schools that have a similar reputation and network. And again, being successful does not mean someone is How to be happy for someone when youre jealous. I wish I could do things like that, but I cant.. Struggling to be happy for others when youre not happy with yourself is completely normal. Not only was it in my dream field, it has a salary (19K a year) which is the most money I will ever have made in my life so far. Thats okay, a lot of people have. Go where the expectations and the demands to perform and achieve are high.Jim Rohn, How To Make Money Buying and Selling Websites, Why You Should Avoid The Easy Life AT ALL COSTS. Where your work meets your life. She seemed so genuinely relieved when I brought it uplike she was just waiting for someone to call her out on her spending so she could have a chance to talk about it. Its unfortunate that other people have not yet made the transition into a more stable and prestigious/financially-comfortable job if thats their goal, but that doesnt mean that you took something from them by doing it yourself. This reaction not only leads to feelings of resentment toward our friends (that can often erode our relationships) but it can also create more anxiety and stress in our bodies because its rooted in fear. That is, unless they now think they can use your newfound success to their own advantage. Image description: Animated gif of a lady in a sparkly gown and mask surrounded by men bowing to her, with the words: BOW DOWN Share this: Email Facebook Reddit Twitter Tumblr Pinterest More Loading Related Have they overcome immense obstacles in order to get where they are now? Below are some of the reasons why you might not be able to feel real happiness for others at the moment. When our need for social connectedness is threatened such as getting rejected from a job, not being invited to a lunch with our peers, or facing a microaggression at school or at work it can make us feel isolated. A lot of people get down in the dumps after scrolling through social media, looking at the seemingly perfect lives that others are living. Of course, there will be some people in your life that will truly be happy for you when you succeed, but I am afraid that it wont be most of your friends -- only, possibly, your parents. In addition, I was still studying full-time towards my two degrees. However, success also depends on the ability to connect with people who have already made it. I dont want to apologize for my success or say I just got lucky, cause I at least feel like I worked somewhat hard to get here. Its not objectively agoodthing that achievements come with some kind of asterisk, but its not a bad thing, either. Its an ugly thing, but its very human, and it can be overcome. If youre not happy for someone because you feel a wave of concern or worry for them, check in with yourself to see if thats a valid response, or if its jealousy. If you want to do something but youre too depressed or anxious to pursue it, find a good therapist and get help so you can move forward. Its important to temper our excitementwith a good amount of humility, perspective, and hard work, and this is one of the things thats going to take your great news into the realm of reality, and make you a better and more mature person in the process. Alice Roosevelt Longworth Almost everyone knows the feeling: A friend or colleague has been promoted, has had some success, now has a bigger house, or is making more money, and rather than feeling happy for them, you're depressed and angryand part of you would really like to see them fail. How To Be Content With What You Have In Life: 5 No Bullsh*t Tips! Heres how: Whats key is how you choose to act afterward. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. They frequently try to outdo or one-up you. If you cant feel something right now because of life circumstances, or even because you arent in the headspace to feel much of anything, then you cant draw blood from a stone, so to speak. Im sure along the way they experienced some bumps in the road. It will teach you about the people around you and give you great information on how they think, what they want, the way they perceive themselves and their self-control, or lack of. But Ive also had closer friends with whom I felt this tension, and I had the hard conversations. For example: If you want to be successful in your career, consider what your idea of success is. You would want the same behavior in return. These responses are outwardly positive, but personally neutral. I like to make a distinction between healthy envy which I call applauding envy and unhealthy envy, or resenting envy.. Its those who are patient and diligent enough to stay in the game that end up on top. We ended up having a great talk, and, yesterday, she told me about her plan to pay down her credit card debt. 1. Without Fail and Entrepreneur On Fire are two of my favorite podcasts where people are open about their failures. This sort of behavior is easiest to see when in a large, densely populated city, like New York. Go within and explore how you genuinely feel. Cheering for your friends as you cope with setbacks can be challenging. Hemingway is a testament to the fact that innate talent alone does not equal success. Listen to daily meditations and discuss how youre practicing self-care with a supportive community. Strong and ambitious women for the win! Is my left elbow turned out so I dont get bow-snapped on my inner arm? Then redirect your focus to what you can attain or achieve. What does that tell you? Rather, aim for stoicism. This way, you can accept and make peace with the situation without losing any personal integrity by lying. Youve already taken the first step just by searching for and reading this article. I am sure that youve heard all of the keys to success before: planning, hard work, perseverance, etc. The choice is yours as to whether you want to spend the rest of your days lamenting what you dont or cant have, or striving toward what you can have with consistent work and focus. Instead of thinking how someone elses success competes with hers, she focuses on how it is also hers. When people you know are able to have things that you absolutely ache for but cant havefor one reason or anotherthat can hurt far more than not having them to begin with. It had a column for people who would improve his life, and a column for people who would drag him down. This page may contain links to affiliate partners. If you find yourself not being able to be happy for others, take steps to work through your issues by considering the following: Whats going on in my life thats causing me to feel this way? Once you identify your needs, look for other healthy and meaningful ways to pursue them. It helps to hear that people are not always winning and that you can win then fail than win again. Firstly, it will allow you to differentiate between the people who are actually your friends and those who arent better. See more from Ascend here. Its hard to feel happy for other people when every day is a struggle, and their good fortune might make you hurt even more than you already do. What has their energy been like toward you as a whole? Challenge yourself to notice what you are doing or do have. The partner whos successfully pursuing their dream career. The thing to keep in mind here is that just because you see an image of something online, it doesnt mean it represents reality. But one of my best friends has being making some comments which are not so supportive. Everyone around you is going on about how happy they are for the person who ripped your guts out. Be discerning with whom you open up to, as there are many who would capitalize and exploit your suffering for their questionable benefit. Im going to reveal an unflattering truth about myself in the hopes youve experienced the same thing and thus wont judge me. We understand that we should be happy for our friends, and the fact is that we are happy but we also sort of hate them for being able to do what we still havent managed. Either way, they expect people to be unconditionally supportive and happy for them, and if they arentor if they have questions or concernsthen theyre being toxic or unenlightened.. Instead of lashing out or dumping on others about your bummed feelings, get them out in healthier, more proactive ways. For example, if youve been unemployed for a while and are getting stressed out looking for work amidst dwindling savings, it would be difficult to feel happy for a friend whos going on an all-expenses-paid 6-month vacation thanks to their dream job. Find out if there is anything else you can do (such as submitting additional documentation or making a stronger case for yourself) to help the committee make its final decision. How To Stop Being Envious Of Others: 8 No Bullsh*t Tips. Maybe youve numbed out to get through something difficult, or youre dealing with your own inner demons and turmoil. Your email address will not be published. Unfortunately, these barriers and hurdles are a part of the game, and without developing skin thick enough to shield yourself from them, youll never attain your goals and dreams. Begin by naming your feelings. Step Outside Yourself People It takes a lot of hard work, focus, sacrifice and a bit of luck. Perhaps youre jealous. Your life will not always run on parallel tracks. If they participate in webinars or panels, sign up for them. In addition to that, remember that you are also your closest, most trusted friend. Why is that? His company, Groupe Weyi, works with villagers in Central Africa to create lasting change through fair trade of resources. You dont have to feel genuine happiness for someone if youre jealous, but sometimes you simply have to fake it for the sake of continued harmony. People come to New York to make something of themselves, to follow their dreams, to succeed. Reasonable means taking into account what you have going on in other areas of your life and what you are personally capable of doing. This type of behavior is a form of spiritual elitism; basically othering. In reality, its no different from people who might be racist toward those of different ethnic backgrounds, or who refuse to spend time with those who follow other faiths. Before Lindsey told me her trick, I was probably 75% happy for other people and 25% jealous. We really recommend you speak to a therapist rather than a friend or family member. Thats usually the case for good things as well. Even better: You can use it to help you grow into the person you want to be on your own terms. Think about whats most important to you right now, be it career, education, fitness goals, material possessions, or relationships. So maybe youve found out that this ex of yours is getting married to the love of their life. Or perhaps theyre expecting a child. Its just your bodys way of telling you that youre feeling emotional pain. If youre feeling hurt or betrayed, forcing yourself to feel happiness toward them is going to lengthen your own healing process. Still, I want you to know that Im extremely proud of you. Are you going to mope about it and do nothing? The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of the Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time. This is basically gaslighting the one whos hurt by implying that their reaction to being abused is whats wrong, rather than the abuse itself. Does your inability to feel happiness from them come from resentment that theyre experiencing these things with someone else, rather than with you. Your email address will not be published. Your idea of success may look different than someone elses. Self-Pity sounds like: We can say that we will be happy to see our friends do well for themselves and acquire great achievement, but the fact of the matter is that we all get a little jealous. Look for those who steadfastly uphold their principles regardless of creed, and yet seek common ground with others. Making this list will remind you that your future isnt dependent on any one thing happening, but rather, it is a result of how you choose to respond to this perceived setback. Being that I have been on the receiving end of a few in my time, I advised her on the best way to approach this friend and how to phrase her concerns in a way that might lead to something productive, instead of just an alienated friendship. (Id venture to guess that he doesnt feel particularly great when he makes these comments, and probably regrets them immediately after he says them, because he knows that taking his personal issues out on you only creates more problems.) This could be anything from working much more than were used to, to feeling overwhelmed, to having people around us who are made to feel less-than-great about our news. Needless to say not only did I get an interview, 3 weeks later I was offered this (somewhat) prestigious job. No one wants to talk about this because if we consider ourselves to be good friends, we feel guilty for feeling the way we do. Practice a few ways to congratulate others such as Thats great, thats amazing, or youre great at___.. Maybe some friends who arent competitive or driven will also be supportive. Its these people that find it the hardest to hide their disappointment in your happiness because they dont really care whether or not you remain "friends." That amazing body theyve worked so hard to achieve will change again in a few years. Dont be surprised if these feelings rise up again every now and then. At its core, envy is just the recognition that you want something that you lack or that others have. We really do recommend that you seek professional help from one of the therapists at BetterHelp.com as professional therapy can be highly effective in helping you to work through the things that prevent you from being happy for others. One effective technique is to remember the person behind the item or achievement. Acquaintances in New York are easily made and also have this tendency of forcing artificial friendship; people address you like an old friend, but in reality, dont really give a sh*t about you one way or another. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, 10 No Bullsh*t Ways To Be Happy For Others, Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you if you struggle to feel happy for others. Jealousy is one of the most difficult emotions to admit feeling because we think of it as a bad feeling. What company benefits are most important to you? There are many different reasons why you might not be able to feel happiness for others. The more we overlook, minimize, or disqualify our own accomplishments, the more hearing of a friends success can lead to feelings of jealousy, envy, frustration, (grief, languish or sadness), Am I missing the objects, connections, or people that I lost? Design, law, medical, arts, banking, tech -- you name it, all the industries are here and flourishing. Such behavior is easily noticed in New York because New York is a place where you make few friends and lots of acquaintances. Luckily for us, my friend Lindsey has mastered the art of being happy for other people, and she told me how she does it. If youre not happy for someone because you feel a wave of concern or worry for them, check in with yourself to see if thats a valid response, or if its jealousy. Step 1: Understand envy. Theres another option here, and that is the unpolarized middle ground: true neutral. You can phrase this type of thing in whatever way feels natural for you. First, dont feel shame or guilt about what youre feeling. There might be an assumption that because you two once had a strong connection, deep down you want them to be happy. The five-minute rule may be a little extreme, but there is an important lesson to learn from it: if you surround yourself with positive people who build you up, the sky is the limit. This type of envy helps us understand that our friends achievements dont prevent our own successes. Compassion is good but remember that they are autonomous and are in charge of their own feelings, esp. When and if you hear that something wonderful is happening for someone, and you cant bring yourself to feel happy for them, wish them joy. Rather than insisting that you love your physical form no matter what, body neutrality means that you accept and care for your form, because it is what it is. Its silly, but human beings usually prefer seeing people worse off than they are because it makes them feel that they arent doing so bad for themselves. Thankfully, competition is healthy. Identifying your emotions will help you replace your negative self-talk with a more realistic assessment of your feelings (and the situation). WebWhether you want to be more successful, whether you want to be happier and healthier, or whether you want to start taking more vacations even your close friends and family will Im not suggesting you go Punisher on them, nor that you wish any ill fate upon them. The other day, I got an email from the reader who had sent me in a question about her friend, who was in desperate need of a financial intervention. I knew you couldnt have accomplished what you did without me, so I got to feel proud, too, she said. If youre engaging in self-pity, you might find yourself showing up with lower energy than usual. If you arent familiar with Ernest Hemingway, he was one of the greatest American writers of all time. Simply. Imagine a life where every small victory is cherished, every milestone celebrated, and each setback serves as a catalyst for growth. New York can give you anything you want, but only if you are willing to work for it harder and smarter than everyone else gunning for the same thing. Youve worked hard and its paying off. Simply click here to connect with one via BetterHelp.com. Here are some tips: Examine why it is you feel jealous, and try to pull back and see the bigger picture. Depression sounds like: If you want the things you discuss to stay secret, then choose a professional rather than a friend as your confidant. Theyll be the ones who are worth cultivating long-term, trusting relationships with. Do you truly want to be happy for your ex? Not that she said any of this to meshe just gave me heartfelt congratulationsbut by thinking about all this to herself, her excitement felt more genuine and she didnt have to deal with her jealous side. Think about all the times you felt jealous in the past when someone else got what you wanted. Are you spending your time browsing social media looking at other people achieving their goals? Living paycheck to paycheck was a luxury for this man, and he decided that he was tired of being trapped by his own life. Yeah, theyre achieving or experiencing something amazing and you arent, but you care about them. When you have a success, this likely means a change could be coming. Once you identify them, you can start replacing your negative self-talk with a more realistic assessment of your feelings (and the situation). I took your advice and invited her over for a wine and cheese night (and kicked my boyfriend out so it was just the two of us). Hemingway is a testament to the fact that innate talent alone does not equal success. To the receiver, it hurts when people cannot step outside of their story to be happy for you. That item, that lover, that job some of the things we thought would make our lives perfect at the time ended up being more like a weight than a blessing. This community of great writers helped to influence his style, success, and drove him to write every single day and become one of the greatest authors of his generation. If I sprain my ankle, a pain response happens to let me know that theres something wrong within my body. How can I support you?. While there are some people that are genuinely happy to see you achieve something great, win the lottery, or lose 50 pounds, there are even more that are jealous. Theyll try to stop you from being successful by chipping away at your self confidence and self esteem. Long-term goals and step-by-step success. It is very hard to digest at first that many friendships in and outside of work sour because of success. Envy can be accompanied with embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, anger, or regret so be as specific as possible. Although, in theory, it is possible for everyone to succeed, not everyone does. Are you spending too much time with negative people? Friendship doesnt discriminate, but how you choose to hang out can. Because, as humans, we crave social belongingness. Therapists are ideal because they practice doctor/patient confidentiality; whereas, those in your social circle may turn against you if circumstances between you change. WebAnother reason to be happy when your friend is more successful than you is because your attitude ultimately makes the difference. Still not sure how to be happy for others? There seems to be an expectation nowadays that anyone who expresses what may be construed as negative emotionslike disappointment, hurt, anger, or betrayalis somehow not as evolved or woke as those who insist on being positive all the time. (more), 4 Tips On How To Write Down Your Goals To Actually Reach Them, Need Help Reaching Your Goals? But there are a few ways to say it: We asked Shasta Nelson, author of The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of the Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time, to respond. How To Deal With Being Average: 8 No Bullsh*t Tips! Our emotional need to feel connected and accepted by those around us is hardwired into our DNA and essential to our health, happiness, and sense of self. Quite often, what you once wanted more than anything else becomes pretty inconsequential after a while. There will almost certainly be a gap of years between your success and that of your friends. We can say that we will be happy to see our friends do well for themselves and acquire great achievement, but the fact of the matter is that we all get a little jealous. When you see someone else succeed, you are reminded of your lack of success. If youre not clear about your goals, challenge yourself to write them downyes, on real paper with a pen. Thats an unfair expectation that invalidates your experience and your own feelings. Aristotle was one of the greatest minds to ever grace this beautiful Earth, but this was only so because he was constantly challenging himself and working to refine his talents. Of course, this is easier said than done. you have other things youre grateful for. If, for example, your co-worker cant do happy hour with the rest of the team because they have to pick up their children, be open to suggesting ideas that happen during the workdaysay, substituting happy hour for lunch at your favorite restaurant. Even a great writer like Hemingway didnt succeed on his own. Thats a form of toxic positivitywhen people insist that you have to feel a certain way or else youre being negative. But know that envy isnt a bad emotion. Its a way of taking something from your success, to make themselves feel less of a chasm between where you both are, respectively. Write down your answers about what rejection means to you on a piece of paper and be as specific and honest as possible. He exchanged ideas with other Greek philosophers in the Academy, learned from his mentor Plato, and taught a young boy named Alexanderwho would later become Alexander the Great.. Failure, setbacks, and rejections. Some hurts take longer to heal than others and can still cause twinges when poked at. That doesnt make us bad friends, partners, or siblings; it makes us human. A constant barrage of negative comments to wear you down and make you Archery requires a great deal of concentration, so I have to stop worrying and focus my attention on what Im doing. Theyre aware that theyve given preferential treatment to one over the other, but they dont want to take responsibility for their terrible behavior. They will make an impact because of a successful network of driven peers who provide both inspiration and healthy competition. Internally, Im focused on what their good news means for me. This will remind you that even if you dont have that thing you envy in someone else, you have other things youre grateful for.
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