I became so paranoid that this was a flashback and in a way it was but Im not sure its accurate. It sounds like you didnt feel safe growing up and your boundaries were not respected. Much as many people would like to divide the world into good people and bad people, angels and monsters, we are all just people and we all, every one of us, have the same capacity in life to do things that seem terrible or even are destructive and hurt others. Ive had that ever since i could remember. I have blocked out almost everything between the ages of 3 10 and Im currently receiving EMDR therapy. Well only know what is real our symptoms. Therapy is the perfect place to take risks and learn to trust and to start recognising what judgements are your own and looking at why you judge yourself. I was sitting in the small dark room and waited until I could not hear him. We wish you continuing courage in your healing journey. But Im not sure if this is even a real memory or something I may have dreamed up. This is a high level of trauma. The therapist will use a technique called reparenting where they are warmer and more connected than a usual therapist so you can learn to trust someone. Its wonderful that you have a loving family, but it can be hard to share our deepest thoughts with friends and family as they are invested in what we think and feel. What becomes important here is not obsessing on over whether you were or werent abused, which changes nothing, as we cannot know the past. I have one memory of an old person giving candies to other kids to bring me to his store. If so, weve written an article just for teens on how to ask your parents to let you see a counsellor, you can read it here bit.ly/talktoparents. We suggest you read our article on next steps if you are worried you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse Best, HT. But I couldnt ever. http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. To then learn to sit with it and feel it, without it leading to actual actions. If you cant afford counselling at this time, look for our piece on low cost counselling which suggests how to find something affordable. I get disgusted with the thoughts of being with a male and have such low self esteem about myself. This was freshman year I was 14. We know it can seem scary to reach out and find a therapist, but none of this will seem surprising to a therapist, they will create a very safe, confidential, and non judgemental space for you to talk about it. Its never about knowing what exactly happened. The symptoms of sexual abuse often cross with the symptoms of other traumas or difficult experiences. I think bout suicide alot. I dont want it to be real but I know its not normal for me to get these thoughts and constant worries. Its hard for us to hear that your last therapist wasnt a good fit. I want to ask him but I dont want to accuse him of something he might have never done. It just means you are ready to love yourself, too. is there a school counsellor? When I did remember this about my dad it was such a small memory with so little detail and I felt that it didnt distress me and I didnt feel mad at him about it, which I thought was a good thing and thats how it should stay so I just put it out of my mind. But all this overthinking is just the minds way to distract itself from deep emotional pain. I was glad he was gone and I felt safe. It comes in all sorts of forms. I feel that I know a 3 year old doesnt really say what I said unless it happened cuz its hard for a 3 year old to come up with something like that. And while you cant change the past, you can do your best to heal and have a future. But how do I heal when Im only 99% sure something happened? But all I remember is him touching my back and hugging me close when no one was around. All we can do is accept what is real the symptoms. Additionally when it comes to abuse, most of us are familiar with sexual and physical abuse, but there are other types of abuse, including verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse that are just as harmful and damaging to a person as sexual and physical abuse. Best, HT. A Quiz On Grieving and Loss of Emotional Health. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I need a name for what I could do. Best, HT. How you decide to navigate your life is up to you. Sexual abuse can cause long-term issues in your behaviours, relationships, and sex life, as well as in the ways you treat yourself. I have very low self esteem, and have dealt with an eating disorder in the past. By this time I was 8 years old but I felt pressured to say yes and like I couldnt say no ,so I said yes. Ill never get a straight answer Im sure from my parents and even if I could, they play not have even known themselves.I see a therapist every other week for anxiety and panic attacks, and I take medication. When I was young, about 5, I used to have these nightmares in which I would be sexually abused and hurt if I didnt do what the person wanted me to do. I had a brief abusive relationship as a young adult, but was at the time unaware that my childhood experiences were abnormal. Anyway he started saying we should play a game. I remember that he began to tease me a lot and would tickle me when we were close to each other. is there a reason i am this way? I keep thinking Im going crazy, but when I thought about it a little it actually made a lot of sense for example, Ive been very scared of men I dont know, to the point that if I was out in public (bear in mind this is in a busy public place, in daylight and the men I have been afraid of were not acting at all suspiciously), I would cross the road or change the route I was walking completely to avoid this man as in my mind the first thought I always have is that they are going to rape me. Find a counsellor or therapist you feel comfortable around and work through this. But glad you have been speaking to a counsellor. Its less about proving or knowing, unless we find a time machine we cant. I have nightmares but cant remember them once I wake. They will be helping many many other people with the same thing. Oh, and you wouldnt be a sociopath, a sociopath would never be interested in understanding themselves or getting help. Emotional abuse is a form of control that makes uses emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate another person. And this stops us from actually healing and also keeps us so mired in victimhood all our mind thinks about is all the people who have done us wrong endlessly, we have no joy, we cant really live. You say you were diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My grandparents would make me bathe with my cousin (male) while watching us. Try to take a deep breath and focus on what is around you right now. Physical abuse, a mother who was not mentally or emotionally present to give you the support and love any child needs, moving country.you are absolutely right that its not right to dismiss any of this, and it makes us sad you saw a counsellor who didnt seem able to see you were suffering so much, possibly even from trauma-induced PTSD if you are always anxious and jumpy. Wed recommend therapy with someone who is well versed with working with abuse issues. Ive also had a very hard fight with depression and substance abuse. You say you forgave him. My other memory is when I was older, around 9 or 10, back then i shared the same room as my mom and him, who I always called my dad. I have weird and uncommon fetishes too that is too much for someone who comes from my background. They are just people, with flaws like anyone else. 1 / 12. I seem to have most of the symptoms but Im not really sure because I dont remember anything. I cant see anything but I feel, just repulsion, disgust, dirty, someone touching me inappropriately and me wanting to say no but not daring. But if you feel that you have symptoms youd like to work at healing, that is what to focus on. It would affect your sense of worth very deeply, which can lead to the self harm, and also cause trust issues, where you have deep rooted beliefs that people will hurt you if you love them or reach out to them. Even so, when I started masturbating at age 11, I was incredibly ashamed and couldnt stand the idea of anyone finding out. And we can really drive ourselves around the bend trying to know. Quiz: Was I Abused? I would imagine hurting them physically. Is it possible that Ive been abused and not remember? I never had any friends growing up either. I suffer with weight issues, self neglect and addiction to cigs. I was spanked with a belt by my father numerous times. because i can feel it.. Ive known for years bits and pieces as a child, but never entirely. Emotional Abuse Quiz. We recommend you read our connected article as well about what to do next if you think you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse All the best, HT. Im seeing a psychologist, but every time I try to mention anything, he says that simply not everyone has the same sex drive. You are not what you experience. Remember, you dont have to do what you dont want to do. Noah, we cant say. Im 16, I vividly remember masturbation, fingering my anal cavity, taking my clothes off at night, passionately kissing my pillow, a fascination with rape, and sexual fantasies with both myself and barbies from around the age of 3. I also have another recurring nightmare of running through my grandfathers house, terrified. Its human nature to want to know but unless someone creates a time machine mostly we have to accept we never will. Would my first step be visiting my GP? But Ive never had close relationships that lasted long, and sex is very uncomfortable to me. I have been suffering from self worth and self esteem issues aswell as suicidal thoughts and self harm. If your counsellor wont even talk about PTSD, do think about Skype therapy. And you are not your thoughts, you are something much deeper, wiser, stronger. But I am just not sure of whether it actually happened. Did you feel comfortable around them, and like you could trust them? I feel dirty and sick to my stomach after sex, as if I did something wrong. Im 14 and have almost no memory of it, but Im pretty sure I may have been sexually assaulted in some way around the age of 6. If your parents had loud sex and knew you could hear, that is quite borderline and could be seen as abusive. The only thing that can change that will be a deep willingness to say this is enough, I deserve to feel better, and then to reach out and seek support to start to move forward. I ran away and told my mom the same evening whats happened, she talked to my dad (in front of me) and he pretended he didnt hear her. The definition of child abuse these days doesnt even need to involve touch, non contact abuse includes things like talking to children about sex or showing them images. Take time alone to journal, to do things that you enjoy, be as kind to yourself as you can. I do not have money I do not have insurance and, I do not know how to be self sufficient enough to begin the process of getting to the right direction findin help. Im thinking this may all mean something, but as you suggested in your replies to many comments that I read here, its best to focus on how to deal with the symptoms of what youre dealing with instead of focusing too much on trying to find what exactly happened. I remember after every time it happened I would feel disgusting the next day. I like rape pornography and enjoy acting out my fantasy with boyfriends. I thought it was about my dads violence but was later told by my aunt it was because I was too precocious, playing mums and dads with my step brother.I would play sexual games with female friends too. I think I remember showing this boy my dads porn collection, I suppose I wanted to impress him and it was the most grown up thing I had access to. I have had ther sexual abuse done to me and i was raped but that dream disturbs me the most. Three years is a long time to deal with a cycle of anxiety around sex, and a good therapist could definitely help with that. Maybe the pain i feel isnt from my own abuse but witnessing what happened to my cousin? I always do remember myself as a very aggressive person when I get really mad and sometimes out of the no where I used and still do get mad. Its hard to explain what I feel and what goes through my head. Ask our expert doctors a question. Dont you deserve at least that? We hope that helps. I dont think the problem is that Im too flawed to ever change. I think the problem is getting past the therapists biases. Do you have other symptoms of sexual abuse? Hi Joana, it sounds like you have a lot of experiences that are upsetting you. But if you are worried wed advise seeing a counsellor. If he didnt, then why is it still stuck in my head? Talk with your counsellor just about the fact that you feel sheer panic thinking about things and wanting to talk about them, and ask to just explore the panic for now. Do you currently have symptoms or issues you feel are related? Hi Unknown, we edited your comment due to its very long length. I have been struggling a lot to understand what is wrong with me. What do we do? Best, HT. You are just struggling with some issues, and you are not alone in struggling with them. Although it does explain also why I have virtually no memory of any of my childhood except other traumatic events like(someone killing a venomous snake in front of me, crashing my bicycle and getting hurt, or getting a horrible sunburn) but that was it. Hi there, its not disgusting or disturbing at all. All I can remember, however, is getting out of my moms car and greeting my grandpa in his workshop, thats it. I have quite a few symptoms listed in this article, but as I never had any recollection of abuse, always thought I was a tad crazy. I have bulimia nervosa. There were many other instances where we were alone and these things would happen and I thought he was developing feelings for me. what is the colour of your sweater? At all. Why have the flashbacks started now. Its not really like Im uncomfortable with the subject though, Im always one of the first to start joking about it, only when its someone asking about me. Hi April, we are really glad to hear you have reached out for support. I do remember one time where I had just finished performing a scene where I had to be crying. These kinds of responses would leave a child feeling unsafe, unseen, and rejected. I remember always holding my crotch at night or during nap time, and not knowing why I felt like I needed to. Im just confused. As for those memories. I have always been getting sick with common colds, stomach viruses, and just about everything else that exists, my life has honestly not been the best. I also hate things like ASMR. I also self harm for 6 years. They would also tell me to go hump family members, family friends, and stuffed animals. I remember being really scared but liking it at the same time, because I liked him.
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